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43 Years of Stumbling

20170102_101202~2Never once until recently did I consider that giving some sort of life to the constant over surge of thoughts that whirl around my head might be therapeutic and this absolutely drives me. What drives me much, much more is the idea that in some tiny way maybe my head spinning chatter might give your thoughts value too. Perhaps some credit toward what we strive to do for our loved ones, our friends and, our circle of humans that we build our lives around. On the flip side, I do hope all the people that I love understand how powerfully they have carved their mark into my heart and into the person I change into or out of daily.

It took a life time for me to have one of those moments of clarity that seem to come so easily for some. I admire you that are able to plan every step of your life and follow through to completion every goal and desired outcome. I would describe my days and plans to that as a house fly in its last 24 hours of life on the biggest living room window in the heat of a sunny day. You know, when that fly buzzes around bashing into every single square inch of the frame and the window itself only to finally land on its own wings with its legs flailing in what looks to be a fly seizure while its wings propel it in circles on the floor over and over again until the final buzz buzz……buzz…..z. .

In effort to describe this moment of clarity I feel a very strong tug to share smalls bits of love that has been poured into me over the years from people I hold dear and perfect strangers that influenced the direction of my ever changing pursuits. The ones that have forgiven me for anything I did that was hurtful or cruel or wrong when I wasn’t making good choices because not one of us goes through life making ALL the good choices….oh God, I sure have not. Not even close. The ones that give me a seat in their circle and extend love toward me.  The one that walked up to me and simply said “hi” on the school field the very first day of grade 3 in a new city we had just moved to. The one that raised me to understand all things numbers and business…finally…I imagine with huge frustration every single step of the way. The one who forgave me for rolling their car looking for the party at the river rendering it a complete write off despite giving me clear parameters of when I could and could not use said car for transport to work and back. The one who taught me many craft ideas and made the most beautiful Halloween costume for me as a girl. The one I annoyed constantly while I was young and likely still do who moved so far away for so many years and left me feeling quite lonely within our family only to return and it feels like there was no pause. The one who inspired me after writing an amazing children’s book fearlessly. The ones who made lives better and literally saved lives before my eyes because they chose to make a living out of caring, you people are earth angels. The ones who created works of art so beautiful the woman who felt ugly and unnoticed floated away on cloud nine time and time again. The beautiful two who were gently forced to accept me into their lives while attempting to navigate their way through the tearing apart of the family they knew.  The sweet ones who chose me of all the others to be by their side through this crazy life and raise them the best way I know how to. The one who shit fully on every single part of the life I thought I had total control of and vigorously shook the living hell out of it so I would learn that I am so fucking strong and capable which might seem unlike an act of love but turns out to be quite the opposite, I have discovered. The one who I take turns at being strong with now and shows me that all of our darkness can be enlightening if we have the courage to embrace and face it.  There are so many more. There have been so many times I have learned from you all. I know this is the continuation of pouring love into some of you and the beginning of me reciprocating this love for others. Its as important to highlight the grace we give each other as humans. Daily. Really, are you perfect? I sure am NO where close. On the grid? Maybe. Soooooooooooooooo….all these words and thoughts had me thinking about this….

I love new ideas, fresh creative thinking and anything that sends excitement through my entire being. I also love even more when my excitement is shared and amplified with another. Every one of you have the potential to change another humans life like those above have changed mine. We can motivate and give life to so many things! We can accomplish so much and I often feel like that fly bashing into every square inch of LIFE but also acutely aware that I haven’t even come close to covering much ground. I envy and give so much respect toward you that are able to definitively set, map out and, conquer goals. You’re SO good at that! I feel your happiness and I share in your pride of what success looks like for you and yours. I wish I could enjoy something for longer than the next shining penny passionately grabs hold of me and refuses to let go until the next time and so on and so on. Until one quite beautiful and quiet day as I gazed at the indescribable beauty of the mountain peaks outside of my window not thinking of anything in particular that I recall …. it HIT me. I HAVE planned and executed to completion many times ONE particular thing in my life, OVER and OVER again!!! I HAVE!

 

Something unknown crawled right into me and shared a giant piece of my life’s puzzle. I understood in that moment that I am here to ENCOURAGE. I am an ENCOURAGER! There is nothing that will ever hold a candle to seeing those I love do better, achieve milestones and, create lives they are truly in love with. Just as every single person I shared about have encouraged me throughout life it has just fueled me to encourage YOU more and that is LITERALLY MY FAVORITE THING ON EARTH TO DO!! I LOVE ENCOURAGING YOU to BE better, DO better, FEEL better and anything BETTER you could possibly dream up I want it for YOU!   No I do not aspire to be a life coach or a counselor or your punching bag so to speak because I far from qualified for any of the above save for the punching bag because I suppose I just have to stand there but NO that would literally hurt me inside or out or both and I know if you have read this far you have my best interest at heart or at the very least you mean no harm toward my body or mind. Good for you sticking with my mind chatter until the end! The end of this blog post that is.

-Spreading feelings of all kinds all over. I would love to hear your mind chatter. Come on be brave and share something from inside of you.

 

 

 

I am you. You are me. 


We all persist, together. 

On nights like this one when Mr. is particularly tired and experienced a seizure which resulted in him falling hard off the couch onto the wood floor and into the coffee table I think about how exhausting life truly can be….that soul type of exhaustion….I think he has that at times. Like tonight.

 I’ve got him tucked in now, fresh cold water and a pillow for his knees. The combo of his needing a bit of care sometimes and me being a former LPN doesn’t actually go as good as one may think. Worst patient award? 100%. Ever. The worst. Sweetest nurse ever? Nope. I’m blunt and hardass when necessary…so basically you can imagine the struggle. I am willing to put money on it being the most comedic thing you could ever see. You have to laugh because, as all in health care would agree, if you dont you’ll be crying. This sweet fella kicks involuntarily and swears. Pretty sure he just loves swearing hehehe. Easy peasy. When all the limbs go at the same time it’s a bit more tricky. I can hold my own and help him through the yuck and safely to the other side of the yuck.

I’m not 100% certain many understand, you most definitely surround us with love and compassion no question, for this I’m eternally grateful.  What I mean is that each year I grow a little more anxious about the reality of life being so short. An awareness. A reality.  I know I connect to the extreme when it feels right in my heart. I do hope you know how deeply I intend it when I share life with you. It’s impossible to share time with everyone so let’s be selective, it’s important. 

Sharing all the words that burst out of me is cathartic, thank you for reading them. So is knowing that he is finally sleeping in the time taken to type out all these feelings. I must remind myself of these moments when I’m so fucking annoyed at the snoring. That voice inside chimes in “Oh get real, Amy. You’re going to be so annoyed” 

Hey inside voice! STFU. I’m not interested right now. I only want to ensure that the people I love feel every single ounce of the love I pour out. I cannot tell you I love you enough. I don’t want to stop telling you. I don’t care how annoying it is. I love you. 

Jill just turned on Grease. Pink ladies, take me away! Those suuuuuummer niiiiii HIII ghts.